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Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Dancing with the Stars - Suggested Canned Lines for the Judges

Since the new cast of “Dancing with the Stars” (DWTS) was announced it is safe to assume there are already people hard at work crafting “witty” remarks for the judges. It is likewise safe to assume that the writers of E!’s “The Soup” are also hard at work on jokes about Kirstie Alley and Wendy Williams, since both have signed up for the show.

Here are some guesses at repartee from the judges. Well, just Bruno, really. Or maybe no one. They’ll be tasteless. And horrible. But Bruno could make it work. I’ll leave the jokes to the pros and look forward to watching "The Soup’s" coverage of the show rather than the show itself. Though obviously I’ll be rooting for hometown favorite, Hines Ward. Also, if you haven’t seen clips of Bruno’s visit to "The Soup," you should. He takes his shirt off and stays a while. It was excellent enough for me to respect the heck out of him. And that was BEFORE I learned he was in the Elton John "I’m Still Standing" video dancing his buns off, which is amazing and perhaps the best use of body paint in the 80s entirety. I know! Bold statement.


Kendra Wilkinson

“Your husband might be a Baskett case watching you dance, but I don’t know why. You are one Playboy bunny who has mastered the bunny hop! It looks like you have two lucky rabbit’s feet with moves like that!”

Hines Ward

“Well it wasn’t the Super Bowl shuffle for you this year, but I still think you could hoist a trophy this season after all! You’ve got your first dance moves down and your partner is so good, you musn’t let anyone Steel’er! Touchdown.”

Ralph Macchio

I could wax on about your poise and posture all night! Clearly you haven’t lost all of your focus since you’ve certainly brought the mojo from the dojo! You might not sweep the leg, but you’ve certainly swept me off my feet tonight! Bravo, Ralph our Macho Macho Macchio man!

Sugar Ray Leonard

“That dance was a total knockout! Were you named after the band Sugar Ray? Because I just want to fly watching you float like a butterfly around the dance floor tonight!”

Kirstie Alley

Well, Kirstie, you'll be getting nothing but CHEERS for that performance! Bartender, pour me another! Will anyone come close to topping you tonight? Fat chance! Which I mean to say you'll be shedding pounds AND competitors with moves like that. Tasty!

Wendy Williams

Wendy, you always ask, "How YOU doin'?" and let me just tell you, ask your stylist for more bobby pins, because I hope you continue to get wiggy wit' it! Fantastic moves that I'm sure will have everyone on THEIR couches doing the talking for once!

Petra Nemcova

Look out everyone, take 'cova! It'd naturally be a disaster NOT to have you on this show! A triumphant comeback for you - turn the tables and take this competition by storm! You are this year's Jennifer Grey storyline due to personal tragedy. You get that, right? Great. This time around you'll be Singin' in the Rain', footloose and fancy free!

Chris Jericho

WWE? More like WW-we would love to see more of that! It's certainly raw in here! What have you been doing wasting your time wrestling? With moves like that, you should be pinned in the dance ring, not throwing yourself off of ropes. You’ve certainly got a body slam that makes me excited. Let's get ready to rhumba!

Li'l Romeo

Well this is one Romeo who is more of a star-crossed DANCER and I am certainly loving it! Romeo Oh Romeo Wherefore art thou cha-cha-cha? Tonight your fate and your partner's entwined for one romantic, SEXY dance! Can't wait to see a Li'l more!

Psycho Mike Catherwood

With moves like that, no one will be ask "who the hell is that?" soon enough! It is psycho that you've never waltzed before tonight! That was certainly easy as 1-2-3 for you. I'd be crazy NOT to love that dancing!

Chelsea Kane – Disney tween

(Shameless ploy by Disney/ABC to promote Disney programming to another audience. I am unfamiliar with this star).

Zippitydooda indeed, Chelsea!

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