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Thursday, March 17, 2011

St. Patrick's Day is Fun!

That title seems simple, but it is true. St. Patrick's Day is kind of a nice excuse to be in a good mood. It's a day when it is easy being green, and encouraged, too.

I just deleted a few run-on sentences (read: blog entry) that followed the sentence "I had some pleasant experiences today." I did. But listing them would be boring to read. Trust me, that's why they were deleted.
It involved a banana, socks, the help desk, a burrito, and several drinking straws.
Not that newsworthy a read. I will try again.

In the past two days, more than one person has asked, Seinfeld style, "What is the deal with St. Patrick? Who was that guy?"

My answer has been that he was the guy who drove snakes out of Ireland and used a shamrock as an evangelical teaching tool.

Tonight, when someone asked, "What's a shamrock?" a friend brilliantly responded, "Didn't you eat Lucky Charms growing up?"

A fair and valid question. But a question that brings us to the dicey intersection of pop culture, holiday celebration, and religious iconography. (Is this a three-way street? Maybe it's a shamrock shaped exit ramp). When/why/how was there a plague of snakes in Ireland? And how did he drive them out? And does Ireland have snakes now? And was this literal snakes, or snakes like "the serpent" in Eden or the kind that would plague Israelites? I mean, those guys had it all. From athletes foot to angels intervening to save them from sacrificing their own children, Old Testament plaguery was its own opera. Big. Dramatic. Too long. (note: Biblical accuracy not assured).

But somehow I think of St. Patrick as more recent than all that, which makes me 1. want to run to wikipedia but I'm resisting the urge, and 2. think of St. Patrick's version of Snakes on a Plane and really want it to be made. Perhaps as a cartoon? And perhaps the "Plane" in question would be a plain, like those on the other side of some rolling hills in the lush emerald isle? And yes, of course Samuel L. Jackson lends his vocal talent. Of course. Maybe as the exact same character he was in the movie.

I also somehow, in this vision, cross St. Patrick with the pied piper, and see him playing bagpipes to draw the snakes forth, shimmying their way toward a cliff maybe? From which they hurl themselves? Or all of them crawling at once into a burlap bag used to hold potatoes? That also happens. Other characters who are definitely in this cartoon:
- The chick from The Cranberries, who actually at first tricks the snakes into thinking she is one with the song "Zombie" as it looks like she could unhinge her jaw on the refrain "zooombey-ey-ey-ey-ey0h-oh ay yay yayyyy" before pleasantly asking them if they have to linger, at which point
- The Edge plays some moody and repetitive guitar riff and they take to moving toward
- St. Patrick, who's beautifully moving in time and tempo with the guitar part and bumps into
- Jake the Snake from WWF, and they have a good laugh as he says, "Naw, I'm not jumping off a cliff"
- Then of course Samuel L. Jackson says "There are too many snakes in this m'f'in' country!" with a terrible fake accent before saying (direct to camera) "Hey, if it ain't brogue, don't fix it."
Then someone appears with a Guiness book of world records, but it's about the beer and random anecdotal folklore, and the math is done indicating St. Patrick could break a record if he drives out 3 more snakes than St. Seamus, who was still not officially beatified, had done 11 years earlier, and, in the time since, "Saint Shamey's Day" celebrations really failed to allow people the personal freedom to become very publicly intoxicated.
-So, then Jake the Snake shows up and says, "I heard you needed more snakes!" and rather than sacrificing himself, delivers Bernie Madoff, Spencer Pratt, and that PR guy who is supposedly Kim Kardashian's friend and had his own show for a minute on E!
-Then, cartoon deus-ex-machina style from Monty Python interjects and there's a "We heard you needed more snakes too," but then God interjects and says, "Hey, that's my gag. And besides, I'm afraid you guys might work blue, and this day is green."
-Then the guys from Green Day show up and say "Hey, we heard you needed a hand!"
-Then a giant explosion removes Green Day from the scene, and from the dust cloud, Colin Farrell emerges and says, "I borrowed some explosives from Michael Bay. I heard we had a snake problem."
-Then St. Patrick says, "Well, it was a good thought, but a little too much on the special effects," at which point Colin Farrell says, "F'in' tell me about it," and Samuel L. Jackson says, "There are too many m'fin' snakes in this m'fin' country!"
Then St. Patrick plays a bagpipe song that transitions into a delightful Irish Reel, and the snakes do throw themselves off a cliff.

That's just in my head, though.

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