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Saturday, March 21, 2009

25: Could be a great time for a quarterlife crisis…but we’ll settle for something different

Well, the tournament continues to be an amazing exercise in absolute lack of exercise for my physical person, if you don’t count energy expended in jumping of the couch from time to time to yell at the t.v. from time to time. Even now I’m attempting to write this while Duke plays Texas in the background. Turns out I’m actually not that bad a no-look typist! Can’t guarantee anything of worth is being put down here, but at least the spellchecker is not getting overworked.

Due to my obsession regarding the NCAA tournament and possible repetitive subject matter of the crockpot during these game days, today I’d like to take a trip to somewhere very different - a trip to the McCartney mansion. Let’s see what’s going on across the pond with our good friends Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney.

Paul McCartney sits in an overstuffed armchair watching Jeopardy! on t.v. while having a cup of tea. He periodically shouts out answers.

Paul: What is Gibraltar? Who is Elizabeth the second?

A guy in green surgical scrubs and sunglasses walks through Paul’s sight line to the t.v.

What is the appendix?

Surgeon: It’s a body part we don’t really need I don’t think. My mom used to call me the appendix of her children, actually. I didn’t get it back then.

Paul: Who are you?

Enter Michael Jackson chasing after the surgeon.

MJ: I think I know the one I want!

Paul: Michael! What is this surgeon doing here? I thought we agreed, no more surgeries! The public finds it off-putting! And more to the point, you can’t afford plastic surgery!

MJ: He’s not a surgeon, don’t worry Sir Paul.

Paul: Michael, I’m not a bloody moron, I’ll have you know. I’m doing quite well at this round of Jeopardy. And he’s dressed in full hospital attire. Do not lie to me!

MJ: I’m not! Really!

Surgeon: He’s not lying.

Paul: Then why are you dressed like a surgeon?

MJ: Oh this is Bruce, he’s from the Revolution, You know, like, Prince and the Revolution. He says he can get me a deal on sequined surgical masks so I can add some sparkle to my look when I go out for formal occasions.

Surgeon: Yeah I’m with the revolution. Have you heard of the Revolution?

Enter a butler in formal tails reading a newspaper so we cannot see his face.

Paul: (indignant) Have I heard of the revolution? I can’t believe this guy is asking me about revolution.

The butler suddenly drops the newspaper from in front of his face to reveal himself as Prince, and turns to address the assembled. He is wearing a formal purple tuxedo shirt and bow tie under the tails.

Prince: You say you want…a revolution?

MJ: Prince! You’ve come for a sleepover! Yay!

Paul: Oh God, how did you get in here Prince?

Prince: The dumbwaiter.

Paul: You snuck in through the elevator?

Prince: No. Though I have seen many episodes of Webster, I actually had myself delivered disguised as Thai food, and then was placed in the dumbwaiter. Little did the staff know, there is no such thing as purple curry. Now give me back my surgeon.

Paul: Gladly.

MJ: But we were going to play Keytar Hero in my room in our surgical masks!!! Paul, can’t he stay?

Surgeon: I’m good at the keyboard stuff.

Paul: Well, Prince says it’s time for him to go so I think he probably should.

Prince: Yes. Come Bruce. (turning to Paul) I have thwarted your plans to steal a member of the Revolution this time and don’t forget, I am always watching.

Paul: What? Prince, I didn’t even know he was here? Why would I want to steal your keyboard player?

Prince: To reassemble a backing band capable of creating dance sounds that would give Michael Jackson a viable comeback, propelling him dangerously out of reach of the grasp of my latest hits, which have not yet been released. This galaxy is not big enough for that much funk at once. The sheer movement of every human being on earth at once to either a Prince or Michael Jackson hit would cause the earth to rotate even faster, like a treadmill with a rotating belt the runner controls.

Paul: They make those.

Prince: It would soon spin faster and faster. Ice caps would melt faster. Speed limits would be raised. Daylight savings time would be erased because humans would eventually outrun the time change.

MJ: We don’t have that in Indiana!

Prince: You see, were the end of humankind to occur because of our music, then when the next, superior life forms discovered the tattered remnants of human kind, Michael and I would be implicated. Perhaps even, misunderstood as tyrants of souls, not rulers of soul.

Surgeon: But didn’t you say life is just a party, and parties aren’t meant to last?

Prince: That was in a fortune cookie I received once. I had had purple curry for dinner, and that fortune followed.

Paul: I am not trying to steal your revolution. And do you really think you’d be able to bring about end times with two dance hits?

Prince: Yes. And that is something for which I cannot shoulder the blame.

MJ: (singing) Blame it on the Boogie!!! HEEEHeeeHoo!

Paul: Ok, well, Bruce, Prince says it’s time to scrub out, and if you leave now, I can still watch final jeopardy in peace.

Prince: I love Jeopardy!

Paul: Me too. Wanna watch while the boys play their video game?

Prince: Do not try to trick me Sir Paul. Maybe I’m amazed you’d think I would fall for that.

Paul: I’m in my bloody slippers here. I really do not care if you keep your keyboardist.

MJ and the Surgeon whisper to themselves and giggle.

Prince: Very well. I will watch final jeopardy with you. If I guess the correct answer and you do not, we will play another game, as I love them so. The second game will have higher stakes. If you win that second game, it will be a chance for you to use my surgeon for your music, and my hairstylist to correct your somewhat questionable dye job problems. Sometimes you frankly look like you’re sharing a box of L’Oreal “Copperhead 322” with Maureen Dowd’s headshot, and she has hair for newspaper, my British friend. And I will let MJ use my publicist to move him at least .02 percent closer to normalcy in the public’s perception.

Paul: What!?! They have statistics for that?

Prince: My publicist keeps them. MIT grad. This is a generous offer, I know. I understand that you are flummoxed.

Alex Trebek voiceover on the t.v. says AND WE’RE BACK! Final jeopardy.

Paul: And if I win final jeopardy, or if we both get it right?

Prince: I take my surgeon and leave.

V.O. Trebek: The category is "Birds of the World."

Paul: Deal.

Prince: (aggressively humping the air as if having sexual intercourse with it) Let’s do this.

V.O. Trebek: Though this bird, with Latin name Gavia Limmer, is primarily black, it is known to have white checkering and markings across its body.

Prince: I didn’t know Michael Jackson had a bird species. Zing!

Paul: Nothing would surprise me. Prince, I don’t know the answer. You win if you do. Though I can’t imagine how you would.

Prince: Oh Sir Paul, how you underestimate me. Let it be – the common loon.

Paul: What? That’s your answer?

Prince: Yes.

Paul: I’ll take the Blackbird.

Prince: You would.

Trebek V.O.: And now to our returning champion. Did he know the bird that stumped his competitors this evening? Your answer - the sparrow I’m sorry that is incorrect. How much will it cost you? Nothing at all. I’m afraid none of our players knew that answer was the Common Loon. Yes. Steve you will remain as champion!

Paul: How did you know that?

Prince: The Common Loon is the state bird of Minnesota. I am the uncommon loon – the king bird of Minnesota. Known for its purple crown. I continue to wear that crown - as I win.

Paul: What game will we be playing?


Surgeon: Operation!

Prince: No, neither. I will get back to you when the time is ready. The game shall be named.
Come Master Bruce! To the Bat-Dancemobile!

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