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Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Now That's a Crock, If I've Ever Heard One


So I am a hm...whore for Bravo television programming? Hm. Maybe not a whore but certainly not very discerning in what I'll watch. One of their more train-wrecky programs that I tend to watch but can't really believe I watch and may carry a bit of the personal shame spiral in watching more than once is the Millionaire Matchmaker. This show involves one very high octane "matchmaker" L.A. yenta taking 2 individuals (usually men) per show and parading hotties in front of them in a cocktail scenario. Each dater picks a match, then cameras follow them on one date that is usually conveniently located at a resort, day spa, restaurant or club that might enjoy promotional benefits of being seen on national television as a romantic location (same premise as just about everything the Real Housewives do when they happen to "go away" to an amazing, named, five-star chain resort once every three episodes). The other option is for these folks to go on a date that's completely ridiculous and outlandish, and very unlikely to be duplicated by the viewing public. Usually the dates either go blandly well, or are total disasters. In either event, Patti is shamelessly self-congratulatory, either saying "of course, because I knew that was the match for you" or "of course, because he didn't pick the one I picked for him." For one who talks about the phallus as much as she does, she's pretty infallible in her own mind.

I believe the fine print of the show indicates that all participants filmed on the show are given services in the Millionaires' Club (the dating service that costs like $25,-000 - $50,000 bucks to join) gratis. That means free, even in fine print. So yeah, it's a thing, but more than anything, it's a show.

And the men are most times characters - whether deluded, eccentric, or so utterly self-absorbed they're unable to converse with others one-on-one in any significant way, it of course makes for disastrous dates, and good television.

Though the show holds my attention well enough, quite often while I'm doing other things, it's really Patti that I would like to know more about. Not in an Access Hollywood or E! News kind of way, but in an A&E biography way, and even then in the A&E before they went kind of trashy cable sort of way. Back when the voiceover guy for A&E was boring, deep, and dignified. No scintillation at all. Dog the Bounty Hunter was not on the payroll yet. That A&E - please take me back to Patti's Jersey childhood.

Those are the people I want digging into Patti's past. Her own parents have been on the show, but somehow I want to hear high school friends' impressions and see the middle school pictures of her with braces and, I'm assuming, a lot of curly hair. I assume this because her hair is now probably very expensively chemically straightened, and I believe I've seen her call curly haired women things just shy of "hussy," given the kink in their hair's disposition. It's an irrational hatred and meanness that I think has to have some internal autobiographical source in relation to her own hair, but psychoanalysis is not what keeps Bravo in business. In fact, quite the opposite.

The show also devotes usually 4-7 minutes per episode to Patti demeaning women who come to her "club" to be considered as candidates for matchmaking. True to pimp form, Patti breaks these women down without mercy, bitchslapping them with insults about physical appearance, fashion sense, hair styles, age, career, and, of course, hair texture. It's the most absurd part of the show, but I'm also guessing the biggest audience grab of each hour. Patti insulting women and telling them they're not good enough to be paraded before men at a cocktail party like whore-derves - it makes no sense. Is that supposed to make me think her club is that selective? Or that she hates women? Or that she hates herself and takes it out on women who want men's approval by hating them as meanly as possible? Or that she's good at television.

She's certainly good at lip gloss.
Anyway, if anyone knows the scoop, please update her rather underwhelming Wikipedia page .
But don't tell her that. She hates it when people challenge her authority on anything.

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