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Monday, March 1, 2010

The Cop Back IN and other thoughts - spoiler alert bachelor

Hi hi. So yesterday's post may have even technically happened today and was, by the standards of most, a real rush job. It was also, by the standards of most, probably a far more readable, appropriately lengthed blog post than the crockpot is accustomed to providing.
The truth is I had already fallen asleep somewhere shortly after Michael Buble revealed himself to be Michael Buble surrounded by sexy back up singers, rather than one of a group of three Canadian Mounties, during Canada's closing ceremonies blow out (those who've read my quiet happy pleasures list from Sunday will note "obvious disguises" was a list item, and I was pleased by Buble accordingly). I didn't even make it to see the smashcut to Jerry Seinfeld's show "The Marriage Ref" that so rocked the airwaves in apparent desperation to hold Olympic audience. Gary Bryan, one of my favorite radio personalities in L.A. because he's on the Oldies station and he's pretty sharp with his zingers, even if they're terrible, went on to say this morning that they were being asked to talk about the marriage ref show. Like, basically apologized (codedly) for not making more fun of NBC's pulling the plug on the Olympics to switch over to what will amount to be like, hm, a combination of past tv shows like match game, the dating game, and hollywood squares reworked into a tonight show format with a dash of america's funniest home videos and wife swap (why that's enough disparate mixed identities to be suitable for a fish crockpot!).

Ok-sidebar of sidebars. I just went to try to find an image of Buble (failed) and went to Yahoo!'s homepage to discover an article summarizing The Bachelor finale. Not having watched, but having read an US Weekly article enough to care about the outcome, I clicked on the link. I present, for your review, the following excerpt:

Each woman also got to enjoy a final date with the Bachelor, who insisted even as he picked out engagement rings that he still hadn't arrived at a decision. Vienna joined Jake for a dip in a mud bath (she wrote "I love you" on his muddy bare chest) before sharing champagne in a rocky pool. Later, Tenley and Jake shared an afternoon off the St. Lucia coast on a boat, and Jake hurt Tenley's feelings by doubting their physical connection. (He apologized in her suite later, and they celebrated with champagne in bed.)

This is absurd in so many wonderful ways, but I think I love it most because it's presenting absurd items totally matter of factly. Things I love here:

  • Lucia, a woman's name describing a geographic location in the above, not a person, is the most obvious woman's proper name in the above paragraph. Second is Vienna, which is a name of a geographical location (yes, I know about me, yes). A distant third is Tenley, which sounds more like a measure of distance or currency that would be used in dialogue from a pirate movie or epic - i.e. "I'll wager tenley that your man won't survive one day in the galley of Dread Captain Snagglebeard, with skin so fair and an obvious lack of discretion when it comes to keeping his mouth shut," or "My good man, surely you jest! The enchanted cape of Myrrensbaugh must be a good tenley from here as sure as it's a league! On my good name I say this to thee!" suggested retort: "Well if you're so sure, why not wager a tenley on our not making it there before the next full moon! And I shall count the gold coins you pay me under its milky ghost beams right here upon our safe and early return!"
  • This pilot is shopping for engagement rings without knowing who he's going to give the ring to for a lifetime commitment. Folks, if I'm being chosen as someone's life mate and perfect complement by virtue of a coin toss, what does that really say about me? "Ah! This is so romantic! It was heads! And I'm heads over tails in love with this guy!!!! FOREVER." An engagement ring! Indicating intention to marry! I mean, if a pilot left an airport still being "up in the air" as it were regarding his decision on where to land the plane (forever), I don't think that pilot would be flying much. And, if you're against granting homosexual people the right to marry, but you actively watch the Bachelor, please compose a 500 word minimum essay on the sanctity of marriage and how it is not something that can just be used and abused and perverted by those in society who don't value it as sacred. Please cite interactions of the Bachelor and his harem whenever possible.
  • The use of parentheses to give more intense details about the specifics of the bachelor's interactions. As if MUD BATH on rocks weren't enough of an image to truly express the emotions shared by these contestants while they luxuriated in such surroundings, we're parenthetically told "she wrote 'i love you' on his muddy bare chest." Ohhhh ohh ok. I thought for a minute there that they were just in a really cheesy, sexually charged set for a reality t.v. show that could not possibly involve real emotion and rather showcased their physical hotness and fantasies of happily ever after, but now that we've clarified she (WROTE I LOVE YOU ON HIM IN MUD) I can see this truly IS an emotionally gripping experience for all contestants. This description reminds me of several emotionally gripping scenes in the movie Avatar. (I see you...Yep. I'm watching. And I bought you an engagement ring.) And then there's the "Jake hurt Tenley's feelings by doubting their physical connection. (He apologized in her suite later, and they celebrated with champagne in bed.)" So you're saying Jake used and abused feelings to get physically connected to someone? Like, is "champagne in bed" a metaphor here? Did he say I don't think you'll do me, then she was upset by it, then he apologized for being mad she wasn't going to put out, so then she put out? Again, this is something only viewing the show would really let me know, and well, that's just not something I can commit to right now (though I did buy an engagement ring and will choose between The Bachelor and Extreme Makeover Home Edition one of these days).
Anyway - sidebar over. In hopes of explaining why I was glad to barely wake up enough to post an entry last night after spending the part of the day when I would have been blogging watching the USA/Canada hockey final (yeah, you saw what order I put those in), I diverted into discussing discussion of a reality show. Why I am glad I chose hockey over blogging yesterday - that game was amazing (the game was decided in overtime, after several skaters wrote "I love my homeland" with their skates on ice) and one for the ages that epitomizes why I love sports (though I doubt our physical connection). This game has received tons of media attention as being one for the ages, perhaps an appropriate use of epic when describing its import to this Olympic games, the sport of hockey, and the country of Canada. But this game was edge of your seat crazy the whole way through, and involved several plot points that are often found in sports movies throughout the ages. It would almost be impossible to write a better script for the final game than the one that was played (perhaps a vital distinction between Olympic sport and the Bachelor). From the elation of the winners to the absolute dismay of the losers, the game was as real and raw as you can get, and it was one of those moments where I was so glad to have watched from start to finish rather than just catching the highlights on Sportscenter.
I would have had nothing to say in a blog that would have been as awesome as the game was, especially when watching with others who also thought it was just that amazing (even on Tivo!).
So, yes, I apologize for copping out in writing yesterday, but I don't really mean it because I'm happy I did and opted to experience a great moment in sports and Olympic history. Probably like Tracy Morgan, I won't really apologize for Cop Out, even if I know it's bad (really, will a Cop Out poster or obvious joke appear in his dressing room in a 30 rock episode? because I would like that to happen).

Anyway, kudos again to a very fun Olympiad, from at least a tenley's length away from Vancouver. We'll see everyone again in four!

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