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Friday, April 8, 2011

Morgue than You were Asking For

Well, it seems my pattern of taking one day off per week from this has usually resulted in a Friday free from a new post more often than not, but due to the parental fun this past weekend, I've already taken this Monday off. And here I am. Exceptionally under-interested in writing this, but aware that I MUST AS CHEATING IS NOT TOLERATED IN THE CROCKPOT.

Point A.
Do not drop a 27/28ths full jar of jelly on your toes. It will hurt. You will use a bad word that your upstairs neighbors will probably hear. Even if your toes probably saved you from cleaning sticky shards of glass off of your kitchen floor and sticky blackberry splatter from at least 3 of your 4 total kitchen appliances, it will still not quite seem worth it at the time.

Point B.
Do not eat another fiber plus not quite food flavored bar chocolatey product as you wrote about yesterday and then be expecting to go out of your apartment without the gastrointestinal side effects advertised on product, even if it is nighttime an now you would like to be able to socialize with others without farting obviously and repeatedly.

Number 3.
Do not give any type of charitable funds to anyone who might profit from selling your address to other non-profits who somehow think that if they send you a glossy enough package, you will spend the money you don't have to save their whatever-needs-saving, unless you're prepared to receive a barrage of mail reminding you how many people need helped and also how much time and effort goes into marketing, even when it's marketing third-world poverty. Right now I'm staring at a giant envelope that says "Tibetan Prayer Flags Enclosed" and then tells me there's "A Message from His Holiness the Dalai Lama Inside

First of all, that seems a little bit pushy from His Holiness, no? And second of all, Dalai Lama, aren't you taking a page out of the Catholic playbook in sending a gift that will in fact make me feel guilty for enjoying it without helping your cause unless I send you money? I can only hope my good friends at Oxfam are as efficient with distributing the pittance I send them to those in need as they are in reminding me how much my support is needed by those in need. Pretty
sure we might only be covering the cost of postage of what you send me with what I send there, Oxfam. Then sending me 3 to 4 insistent notices that I help more (all giant, glossy, photo-laden, many-colored thick printed page notices, by the way), only makes me wonder - huh, did they not process that? That was it, Oxfam. Please don't sell my information to the Dalai Lama or the Women's Cooperative or the Smile Train. Oh, you did already? Great. Hope it was more than my contribution to you was so that you're at least doubling my gift. And do you have any partners concerned about conservation? When the Sierra Club sent me junk mail and a membership sticker, I felt REAL weird about it and did not affix the member sticker to my vehicle. Which is not electric, in case they were wondering. Not even a hyrbid. Not even American! Oy. Does the Sierra Club even want me???

It is funny the names that the organizations have, and also funny to consider that I'm sure a year's worth, minimum, of meetings and consulting group presentations, and board member votes went into properly branding these non-profits for the most donor-centric appeal. And yet I'm throwing their hard work in the trash, thinking I need to look up how to get off of their lists, wondering if there's a separate non-profit dispensation for junk mailing.

It's also funny the ways in which their misspelling my name from time to time provides just enough indignant remove that I can tell the Dalai Lama to get enlightened somewhere else (not really, I'd imagine it's quite worthwhile to spend time with him...). But let's just say I'm tossing the junk mail and getting myself free.

Best non-profit junk mail? I got an envelope, addressed to me with return address? Sam Waterson.

That's all it said. The actor who plays Jack McCoy on Law & Order was sending me mail. I assumed he had been receiving the fan mail I'd mentally been sending but not writing, or that someone had somehow heard me talk to my television during every episode when I say things like "oooh I love Law & Order," but then, realizing that was probably a bit far-fetched, I assumed he was writing me on behalf of Ameritrade, the investment stuff he sells on t.v. It wasn't! He was actually representing the Southern Law Project? See, this is terrible, I don't even remember the name of the group, but I know they work for justice, and here was the television embodiment of the guy who works for justice when he could make a boatload of cash in private practice but he's just too damned principled for that RIGHT IN MY MAILBOX.

Unless some of the profits from syndication of the show are going to the cause, I'm afraid Sam Waterson will have to come to my door himself.
Which would maybe only be outdone by the Dalai Lama working the Publisher's Clearinghouse prize patrol.

I'm ready.

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