Well gang, not today for (and/or by) the extreme

There's a very good chance tonight is not going to be the night I post twice and have my makeup day. Somehow I have felt like I've been beaten with a bag of hammers all day. Perhaps this is because of residual effects of a Saturday spent behaving like a 20 year old, or because I spent a bit too much time last night watching programming on TLC and failed to go to bed early enough, but really, I am both super tired and consistently want to eat a meal one would obtain at Hoss's, a restaurant in Pittsburgh that involves usually ordering a meat product and then enjoying the salad bar while waiting for your meat to arrive. And yes. Yes there is a soft-serve machine involved at the end of the Hoss's line. Their tagline? Hoss's is Hoss-pitality!

Yeah, I liked it.

I'm actually not sure why we didn't go there more. It was fairly cheap for a family and really, everyone could get what they liked. And children ordering hot dogs would discover their name sliced into the hot dog when it arrived! A meat devotional! Who could ask for anything more?

Hot dogs are one of the items that you can apparently buy in bulk on sale if you're into extreme couponing. Which everybody on TLC's show "Extreme Couponing" most decidedly is. I just looked to see if I'd talked about this before, as it is super fascinating. Didn't I though? I think I did. It is so intense that I can't turn away. Like a train wreck where if you bought one storage car you'd get 50 more free for your train. Then that whole train blew up. It's that compelling, both in how much money these people save, and the absolute all-consuming devotion they have to couponing and the drive for saving. I mean, wow. And wow.

Last night's episode featured a set of twins who went about collecting all the free things they could on their shared birthday. One woman has like, two-years worth of diapers saved for a child she does not have. This paled in comparison to a gentleman who had built and a garage for storage of his stockpile, and then had to add onto it for the toothpaste, estimated at 51,000+ brushings, that he had saved up. He, by contrast to the as-yet-childless twin, had saved shelves of feminine hygiene products. Presumably she can see to it that she one day has a child, but that guy is probably not going to menstruate any time soon. Just my two cents.

There was also a sort of sad subtext like, ohhh boy, what if you never use those products? Eek.

(Also not sure why there isn't a dating component to the show, because this is absolutely a lifestyle, not a casual hobby for these folks, so it seems couponers would need each other to be fully understood and to flourish with a partner who shares the same lifestyle. And I believe my count for new shows I've pitched in this blog is now at 6 or 7. Haaa).

Anyway, while this show seems far less sinister in the voyeuristic pleasure of witnessing the obsessions of others play out in all consuming ways than say, watching someone about to be hospitalized for "bird lung" because they refuse to get rid of a single one of the 30 parrots that lives in their house and is slowly killing them, it's still extreme (as stated in the title). There is some excitement for their exploits. It's the American Dream to use the system to beat the system, and these are people doing just that - devoting their lives to doing just that. But what about if it doesn't work?

The guy with the toothpaste wall uses his good old fashioned American ingenuity with coupons to help support our troops. He makes care packages full of the stuff he gets for pennies or nothing at all by way of coupons. Really, it is nice of him to do. So imagine the stage being set for him to buy things on national television for our troops - what a moment of glory. Then imagine the stakes are raised because he's not going to the supermarket alone. No! This man is going with the woman who taught him everything he knows about couponing - his mother! His mother says he's a mathematics genius. She is beaming with pride at her son's achievements. He has calculated he'll only need $50 to pay for 2 separate orders at the store.

IMAGINE THIS MAN'S DISTRESS when he is, filmed on camera, in front of his shocked mother and sympathetic cashier, underestimating his overall total. It was cruel. He was mortified. Humiliated. And disbelieving that he could have so drastically miscalculated.

A flustered, sweating couponer saying "I have to use my debit card," with embarrassment and disbelief. At home I said, "He's going to hurt himself. This is terrible."

LUCKILY- resolution was a happy one.

There was a stack of coupons that somehow, in the midst of 75 cans of soup and 40 boxes of toothpaste on the conveyer belt, went un-cashed by the cashier. THERE was the answer. His couponing reputation - and budget - were saved. Humiliation - overthrown by pride. Cashier - apologetic. Mom - beaming again. Toothpaste guy - grinning like he brushed often.

Poor guy. A nice moment of redemption that showed just how intense this process is for those who do not like to pay retail. Ever.

And hey, God bless 'em and their savings! I just wonder if couponer's thumb will become a repetitive motion injury syndrome among couponers. Annnnd I should probably buy a couponer dating website domain name and go ahead and make some money there, and some people happy. One way to get people to join?

Coupon. I'll guess a coupon might work.

Hits and Misses and Holy Week

Well gang, for those of you playing along at home, you'll note yesterday was a skip day but I'd just used one on Thursday! Yesterday was not on the skip day schedule! But the sun came out and way lead onto way. So I owe one before all is said and done. Which it kind of almost is! Today is Palm Sunday. We're at the one week countdown mark. Woo!

Palm Sunday is one of the longest masses of the year because the readings tell the story of the end of Jesus's last week once he gets to Jerusalem. For this occasion, the congregation is usually allowed to sit because - eh, it takes a while. Today however, I also noticed Palm Sunday is the only day where everybody is kind of given a toy to play with. Not really, that's probably sacrilege, but the Palm fronds that are blessed and then waved to reenact the adoration of Jesus as he rode into town really are a great source of distraction and fidgeting for young and old alike. Today the frond action was intense. A small girl, I'd guess she was maybe 4, used hers to try to tickle her mother's nose ever so slightly while her mother was kneeling to observe the death of Jesus. The girl was understandably confused when her mother did not find her joke tickles as amusing as they indeed were. I liked this girl. And so too did the man in the pew in front of me who made her a cross out of his palm frond. The girl was surprised and, well, completely tickled. A new toy of a sort made from the toy she had too. She showed her mom and aunt her new palm cross with surprise and pleasure. An unexpected gift from a stranger. But as cute as the little girl's face was in showing off her cross to family, it was nothing compared to the man in the pew behind her. Her delight was his. Pretty good stuff. He made her another one before the story was over!

The Wait List

Hi ho, crock readers. It's Friday! At last! Yay!

First, a shout out to loyal reader and author-BFF Erin for providing some follow up intelligence to my rant about how Olive Garden cannot possibly have anything in Tuscany that is a cooking school. Apparently the author of this piece was even more outraged by the notion than I was.

Second - Friday Friday Friday! Woo!

Not only is it Friday, it's the last Friday before Good Friday, which is the last Friday before Easter. Which is exciting, because I have acquired and now have in my freezer, in addition to the box of peanut butter patties (Tagalongs!) Girl Scout Cookies, an entire bag of buckeyes, ready and waiting for consumption. What are buckeyes, you ask? Delicious. And so extraordinary that they are always the basis for the only times anything related to the word "buckeye" is roundly praised and adored in my family's home, given its staunch Michigan affiliation.

My aunt makes what I do not think it would be an exaggeration to classify as the most delicious candy available for human consumption every year at Christmas. Bittersweet chocolate covers a sweetened peanut butter center. The candy resembles the buckeyes that trees produce in appearance, but they don't scatter on the ground like tree buckeyes do unless there has been some sort scuffle among siblings in attempts to get another one. Knowing how intensely they are cherished by her family, my aunt counts them so that we each get the exact same allotment at Christmas. Once they are gifted to you, it is your responsibility to defend them against errant knaves like your brothers. They're so good. Really. Probably one of the top 5 items that would comprise a dowry in my family. Buckeyes come with.

And yes THAT, that type of deliciousness, in a brother-free household, awaits me on Easter.

I'm ready!

Somehow thinking more about Easter also reminds me and makes me miss two family records: Peter Cottontail and Jesus Christ Superstar. Both have obvious relevance to the holiday, but both are delightful in their own ways. The Peter Cottontail album had the title song as it's opener (classic!) and then had an array of original bunny, Easterish-related songs involving Easter baskets and candy and forest animals engaged in fun activities. One particularly great song detailed the exploits of Jack Rabbit, a baseball player. Again, the song was catchy, but I loved it more for its lyrics than its tune as they were full of word play and a storyline. "Left field, right field, any field at all, he can hit them over the WALL yes he caaaan! Who's the greatest there, who beats 'em by a hare? Jack Rabbit, he's our man!" A good one.

And then, when you're more into feeling funky in your religious devotion, Jesus Christ Superstar and its guitar-pedaled pomposity. There are some great songs in that album, and playing it annually really did sort of drive the season home. And the urgency and confusion of the whole, hey dude, save humanity! situation that Jesus finds himself in, and then really jams about with electric guitar accompaniment, it's intense. Maybe I'll have to see if these interwebs provide a few of the favorites for viewing and singing along!

A Few Good Questions - Who's On Trend First?

So, because I do watch "Project Runway" but not enough "Rachel Zoe Project" to really have a grasp of whether fashion designers have some sort of secret meetings like the League of Justice, but with issues of importance like shoulder pads and cut of jean and what should be worn at any given time, I have the question, who decides what is on trend? And how do all designers seemingly bring back the same retro stuff at the same time? Who goes first? Who's deciding ohhh yeah, let's get 80s leggings back in action, and then everyone else follows suit. Literally, if suits are the fashion in question.

My best guess is conspiratorial meetings.

My question then is, are you guys going to bring back the perm? And I don't mean ironic, hipster style (in the way of the moustache), I mean like, for real, yo. Another good question: Was my previous question inspired by Hall & Oates? Yes. Yes it was. "Say It Ain't So" (the song, not the sentiment) was playing on my pandora station, and I couldn't stop looking with jealousy at Oates's coiffed curls. That'd be fun for a bit, right?

Now, nevermind that a perm would probably cause my already thin and brittle hair to just fall out all the way, and that it's probably too short to even hold the curlers acquiring a perm necessitates, I'm just thinking of what I might be able to do if I achieved the smoldering eyes of Oates. Do I dare say it?

I could be a maneater!

Ha. Ok, probably not.

But somehow it's a mental visual transformation I'm finding holds appeal. Even if reality doesn't hold curl!

You Scream, I scream we all scream for ice cream! (and can you believe there's another Scream movie?)

It's Ben & Jerry's scoop day, which is a great time to think about all of the wonderful flavors and punny names Ben & Jerry have provided the world. There's a Chubby Hubby enthusiast at this keyboard, I will say that. I also discovered, thanks to Facebook's newsfeed being reset to show "all my friends" (thanks, Den, for letting me know how to change that setting), that my "friends" at Chick-fil-A and Dairy Queen have new frozen treats themselves - the first with a milkshake that replicates the flavor of banana pudding including, I am told, Nilla wafer bits, and the second (DQ) offering a chance to win a Mini Cooper to anyone who films the enjoyment of a mini Blizzard. Ahhhh the ways in which I would eat all of the above. I am reminded of a peanut buster blizzard, a blizzard of the month offering I enjoyed on the Arizona freeway almost a calendar year ago. DELICIOUS. Yes.

My office window, in addition to overlooking people who are stymied by shopping carts controlled by magnets (I talked about this, right?) also provides a view of a lot of folks who are eating the ice cream acquired at the shopping center's Baskin Robbins. Especially on Tuesday, which I think is 31 cent scoop day. And people definitely take advantage and get 2 scoops on Tuesday. Kind of like watching fish swim, watching human beings enjoy ice cream is a rewarding activity for me personally. Adults with ice cream cones cannot help but look like kids. The cone maintenance that occurs. The concentration on where to lick next. The enjoyment, and the bright color of mint chocolate chip contrasting with their business attire. It's fantastic. Equally enjoyable are tiny children given sundaes. It's like you've given them a million dollars. Really. They just don't know what to do with themselves and all the treatness of it!

My recommendation to the world - get yourself a cone!

That's the scoop I've got to report today.

Yo, Robot

Last night, as I was still trying to avoid doing my taxes (yes, I did finally do them, but only God and presumably the IRS know if I did them correctly) I was flipping through my television's cable listing to see what happened to be on t.v. and came across "Yo, Robot," which to me sounded like the best thing ever. Somehow the title "Yo, Robot" instantly conjured images of a cross between Mr. Wizard, Fat Albert, Robocop, Turner & Hooch, and just a dash of Futurama. All set to click on that channel, it took me a second to realize that it was a Spanish language channel, and that the programming being offered was actually the movie "I, Robot" in Spanish. Which I know without having seen it is nowhere near as good as what "Yo, Robot" would have been.

I ended up, as I have since the day I ended up watching a marathon of last season, watching "Sister Wives," the show about a polygamous family and the trials and travails of living in what most nuclear families would consider to be village style, but without the flair of the village people (though they do seem to do more baking than the construction worker did during his stints in the Navy and at the YMCA). There is something ridiculously compelling about the show considering NOTHING happens in the show. Really. Seriously. Nothing. Happens.

One wife, her children, and the multi-husband took a road trip to Vegas. Now, mind you, aside from the polygamy thing and its strangeness to most of America, these folks do the cleanest living you can get your hands on without directly burning your skin with bleach. They say "flippin'," and not just because they're on television. It's the word that is used. So the wife proclaiming her love of Vegas ("I love love love Vegas!") seems a bit odd and begs the question, why? Begs the question enough that you end up watching a half hour of far too many people under one roof for most people's comfort until you learn they're staying at a Christiany retreat hotel 30 miles outside of Vegas. Mkay. And yet every time I watch and say "Man, why am I watching this show?" I end up watching again. It's almost the reverse curiosity of the Real Housewives franchise in which you can't turn away because you can't believe people that terrible and vapid exist and don't realize they're like that- with the Sister Wives, you can't believe people that wholesome and clean-fun-loving exist and seem to inhabit a world that is mostly free of cynicism. I don't know. I could go on. And suggest the Real House Sisterwives of some County become a reality, but I'm sure Bravo is already looking into it if there's a way to make it happen. And a way to make it sexy.

And after the Sister Wives, what new discovery was TLC leading me to learn about with tender love and care? "Extreme Couponing." An incredible program. Incredible. Inspired by the go-to win formula of their other shows that examine obsessive or addictive behavior ("Intervention," "Hoarders," "Pet Hoarders,"), this program follows families and individuals who pursue couponing as a lifestyle. The use of coupons in the episode I saw controlled the ebb and flow of their free time, their education, their recreation, and the physical layout of their home. One of the children (the mom kept referring to her kids as "her litter") slept on a bed that was elevated off of the ground to make room for the bulk toilet paper they'd purchased previously with coupons. Amazing. They'd built an elaborate system for cans that rolled the oldest cans to the front so that none ever expired and they used them in the order in which they'd acquired them. Again, amazing. The detail. The shots of "the litter" gathered round a table, scrutinizing weekly grocery store ads. The sheer mania with which the savings WERE going to be had.

My family loves saving, and frequently we call each other when good deals are gotten, but this makes us look like spendthrift a-holes! These people went to a grocery store, wracked up 2 separate $500 totals. Why two totals? Because they'd verified the store's coupon doubling/tripling policy and discovered there had been a change, which led them to each check out separately to maximize savings. (Seriously. Do not try to beat these folks to savings. They are way ahead of you). The woman's $500 total shrunk to like, not even $5. 98% savings. Seriously. Her husband's $500 total shrunk to not even $40. Seriously.

Yes, they left with cart after cart of hot dogs, cream cheese, and Special K, but they also left the customers around them (and me) with jaws hanging open. Now, do they ever eat a fresh veggie? I don't know. The show does not delve into actually nutritional practices. Just savings. And MAN. Did they save.

Remarkably, you'd think the family of 21 over at the Sister Wives house might be extreme couponing too. And now, of course, I have to suggest a battle of super couponers, which would be like reverse Supermarket Sweep, a show that rewarded expensive purchases at the store. This belt tightening could lead to a heavyweight belt of savings!

Again. If anyone would like to pay me to pitch ridiculous show concepts all day, I'm available.

Go Fish! Go!

Remember all those tasks I was supposed to have done yesterday but instead wrote a rambling review about a t.v. show? Yeah, that happened, so today I'm trying to get this out of the way pretty much before anything else really to hopefully move my productivity levels out of the zone of "eh, run-on sentences are not as beneficial and laudable as like, running a mile" to "taking care of business like BTO."

So, as I stared at this blog's homepage wondering what to write about, I found myself becoming totally entranced in the motion of the fish at the top. Like a cat staring into a virtual fishbowl with the top open, I sat silently staring, trying to detect a pattern in their behavior. Though they definitely are not as enchanting as real fish (and have been described by more than one person as "looking exactly like sperm"), it's still amazing how long fish in motion can be of interest to the eye.

Considering this sent me to the archives of childhood to consider great fish tanks in days of yore. My pediatrician had a huge fish tank. It was positioned high enough in his waiting room that you could stare up and see all of the fish moving, floating, and swimming among the green plants that were stuck in there without actually being able to paw all over the glass or do anything that might result in injury to fish or child. A great way to pass the time if other kids were playing with all available toys or reading all the Highlights for Children magazines. My pediatrician also gave you a pretzel stick when you were done with your appointment. Good times.

Mr. Rogers also had a fish tank that figured into childhood. He let us watch him watching the fish. It was confirmation that yes, yes that curiosity you have IS ok. They are interesting to watch. Go right ahead. And, he also took special care to feed them, providing us lessons in what it means to have a pet. Gotta take care of them! Responsibility and curiosity - no wonder he was such a good neighbor.

In teen years, my dermatologist had a rather large fish tank. This one made the pediatrician's fish tank look like child's play. And, thinking about it now, made dermatology seem like an obviously lucrative choice for medical specialty. She had tropical fish. Not only was the tank bigger, but the fish in it were bigger. And exotic colors and shapes and sizes. Electric yellow and luminescent blue fishes would make their black eyes unmoving and stop their swimming all together, hoping that I wouldn't see them there if I were a predator. Well, the cruel joke was that they were on display and trapped. Yes, yes I could see them. But I guess they had the upper hand in not having out of control acne. The other fish probably weren't making fun of their awkward teenage years. And, safely exotically out of reach to human hands, they were not in danger of being caught, even as they were definitely being seen.

I don't know why it's fascinating and spellbinding to watch water creatures move. I even like lobster tanks. Though I guess because maybe I've never chosen one to eat? I dunno. Just neat to watch the underwater world.

I should probably look into scuba diving, huh. Snorkeling at least.
Or, barring that, go to a doctor's office.